Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria at Work: What RSD Looks Like in a Tech Job
Picture this. Someone replies "OK." on Teams.
No emoji. No context. Just the full stop.
Most people read that and carry on with their day. If you have rejection sensitive dysphoria, you can lose the rest of the afternoon working out what you did wrong.
I have ADHD, and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is the part of it I'd call brutal. I've touched on it before, in how I got my ADHD assessment and medication and in my write-up of a men's mental health panel. It has never had a post of its own.
So this is that post. What RSD is, what it looks like in a tech job, and what helps.
What is rejection sensitivity dysphoria?
RSD is intense emotional pain set off by rejection, criticism or failure.
The word doing the heavy lifting is "perceived". Nobody has to reject you. Your brain only has to decide they might have.
Two honest caveats before I go any further.
First, RSD is not an official diagnosis. Cleveland Clinic says so plainly, while noting that clinicians use the term and that it is most often seen in people with ADHD.
Second, the research on RSD by name is thin. What is better established is that trouble regulating emotions is common in ADHD. A 2014 review in the American Journal of Psychiatry describes it as common across the lifespan and a major source of impairment. Psychologist Dr Victoria Barclay-Timmis has a readable summary of the studies linking ADHD with stronger reactions to criticism, including criticism that was mild or constructive.
So I treat RSD as a useful label for a real experience, and I hold it loosely.
I'm a solution architect. I am very much not a clinician. If this sounds like you, talk to your GP or whoever looks after your ADHD care.
What RSD looks like at work in tech
Our industry runs on feedback. Code reviews, pull request comments, design reviews, retros, client demos.
Most of it arrives in writing, with no tone of voice and no face attached.
That is a lot of surface area for a brain that reads silence as disapproval.
The triggers are rarely dramatic:
A short reply with no warmth in it
"Can we have a quick chat?" with no subject
A pull request comment that is correct and blunt
A meeting invite from your manager with no agenda
A client going quiet after a demo
Sometimes there is no obvious trigger at all. I've had episodes where I couldn't tell you what caused them. My best guess is that only my subconscious noticed.
For me an episode can last a day or more. That is a long time to be quietly convinced you're about to be found out.
Remote work doesn't help. After the panel I wrote that a camera-off call makes it easier to hide when you're struggling. It also takes away the thing that would have reassured you: the other person's face.
What RSD costs you at work
A small qualitative study of students with ADHD is worth a read here. It is a preprint with five participants, so treat it as a description of an experience and nothing more.
They said the expectation of rejection was often worse than the rejection itself. They described two main responses: withdrawing and masking. Some handed in work late, or below their usual standard, so there was a ready excuse if it was criticised.
That maps onto a tech job uncomfortably well.
Withdrawal. You don't put your hand up. The idea stays in your head. You don't apply for the role.
Masking. You say "good feedback, thanks" in the review and replay it at 2am.
Overdoing it. You gold-plate the work so nobody can find fault. Cleveland Clinic lists perfectionism and people-pleasing among the signs of RSD.
I spent a lot of my life avoiding decisions and "what ifs" because of a fear of rejection and failure. I dismissed my own ideas before anyone else had the chance to. Efficient, in a way.
What helps with RSD at work
None of this is a cure. It is what makes the bad days shorter.
Name it. "This is RSD" is a more useful thought than "everyone thinks I'm useless". Putting a name on it gives you a bit of distance.
Wait before you reply. The message you write in the first five minutes is rarely the one you want on the record. Stand up and walk away from the keyboard first.
Ask the boring question. "When you said the design needs work, did you mean the data model or the whole thing?" A factual question gets you a real answer and stops you writing your own.
Write a "how to work with me" page. This came out of the panel. A few lines on how you like to get feedback and how you communicate. Something as small as "tell me what the meeting is about when you book it" counts.
Get proper support. Medication changed a lot for me. I write ideas down and act on them now, where before I talked myself out of them. That is my experience and not advice, so have that conversation with your own clinician.
If you manage someone with RSD
You don't need a diagnosis in front of you to do any of this.
Put the subject in the message. "Quick chat about Friday's release, nothing to worry about" costs you five seconds.
Be specific and be kind. Sarcasm and vague wording are where the damage gets done.
Ask "how do we make this better?" It beats "what went wrong?" every time.
Don't water the feedback down. People with RSD still need the truth. Vague feedback is worse, because it leaves more gaps to fill in.
None of that is special treatment. It is clear communication, and it helps everyone on the team. I made a similar argument about the word "accommodations".
Quick answers about RSD
Is rejection sensitivity dysphoria a real diagnosis?
No. It is not an official diagnosis. It is a term clinicians and people with ADHD use to describe a very strong emotional reaction to rejection or criticism, real or perceived.
Is RSD part of ADHD?
It is most often seen in people with ADHD, and difficulty regulating emotions is well documented in ADHD. RSD itself is not part of the formal diagnostic criteria.
Should I tell my manager I have RSD?
That is your call. You can ask for what you need without naming anything. "I do my best work when meeting invites say what they're about" needs no label.
One thing to do this week
Write three lines on how you like to receive feedback. Send them to one person at work you trust.
That's it. Start there.
If this one landed, I'm happy to chat.
Until next time.
Jon
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